(The below post I actually wrote yesterday and did not publish. I have been debating with myself whether to post it or not for a number of reasons........ I do try to focus on the positive, I hate to sound like poor me, and today is a new day. However I have decided to go ahead and post this because this reflected my mind frame at the time and I am sure others in similar positions have similar feelings.)
Today I had a meltdown. I snapped at mom. I snapped at Emily. I snapped at Dan. Feeling guilty I attempted to examine myself and ask why today? Why today did I snap? Maybe because I have had a difficult weekend with a teenager. Maybe because my cat who has been sick for months puking daily sometimes several times a day has a new symptom. Maybe I am just tired of taking care of so many people and animals--- a son, a daughter, a husband, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and Lily not to mention an autistic brother.
I think to myself perhaps I should call this person or that person. With so many wonderful friends I am so lucky and would always have someone who would listen to me. I know that.
Then I think of the blog I read a couple of nights ago written by a lady whose husband has early onset Alzheimer's and was diagnosed at 36 years old. Their kids were elementary school age at the time. He is now 44 and in the end stages. She has cared for him at home this entire time putting him first knowing the strain this has put on her family. She struggles with the same feelings as I .... guilt, sadness, despair and yet she continues and so will I. We must also share qualities..... loyalty, compassion, hope. I tell myself my life is easy compared to hers and so many other families out there struggling with circumstances way worst than mine.
I force myself to continue on my schedule and attend church hoping I will receive strength and peace. Listening to the music and message my tears flowed freely. My sweet son held my hand and rubbed my back after noticing my pain. The message was wonderful and ended with these words..........
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON
Monday, October 19, 2009
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Oh Kerry - I'm giving you a cyber hug. I say that most usually I only post humor as doing so helps my focus and perspective. Having said that, yes, there are posts that show my struggle and that is so okay with me. Yes, there are those whose situations are far worse than yours - but that doesn't negate or lessen your struggle. So there, we write as we need.
ReplyDeleteJudy. www.chrissysmoments.blogspot.com
Thanks for the hug!
ReplyDeleteRemember one of the key verses from Sunday? Genesis 32:28 " ...Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with human beings and have overcome" - and we limp on as best we can. Your honesty in blogging both the ups and downs is what makes your experience and writing so real and understandable. Hoping the rest of the week works better for you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your uplifting comments. They are appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI think back on the biggest meltdown I had when my dad was dying. It was in front of both him, and my mother, who was both his care-giver and his spouse who had Alzheimer's. I completely cracked.
ReplyDeleteIt was because of that moment of total brokenness that my mother was able to somehow pull herself up out of the Alzheimer's fog for a moment and shine her love on me that had nothing to do with blame, or even forgiveness. Only love. And I was most open to receiving it, because I was so broken.
I think of your brokenness that day, Kerry, and of your dear son being able to comfort YOU and hold you up when you most needed it. If it takes a meltdown to enable someone else to be able to realize and show the depth of their love for you -- well, then, maybe that's what the meltdowns are for. You'll have them again --- and the ones who love you will love you right out of them.